Christmas Without You
by Austwigirl
Summary: Leah is going on a date on Christmas Eve. Sam drops by to reminisce. One shot drabble.


**AN: This is my first attempt at a one-shot drabble. I tend not to be a fan of Sam as you well know from my fics, but for some reason I wanted to explore how he SHOULD truly feel about Leah. I wrote it in like an hour so I hope you like it.**

 **I do not own Twilight Saga.**

Christmas Without You

Leah stepped out of the shower and wrapped her lithe, muscular body in a towel. She grabbed her comb from the cabinet and set to work on detangling the strands. She still missed her long hair. But even she had to admit that the shoulder length bob suited her defined cheekbones and plump lips. It made her look older and sexy, no foxy. At least tonight it would.

Leah Clearwater was going on a date. Tonight she was putting on a dress, heels, make-up, and a _thong._ All the things she had not worn since she first burst into a huge ball of gray and white fur.

A date. A date that was not with Sam.

Her first date without Sam.

And her first Christmas without him.

Satisfied that her hair was now knot-free she rubbed in a little styling gel to keep it from frizzing when it dried. She bent down and pulled out her make-up bag, turning the zebra-printed pouch over in her hands. It felt strange to take out its contents, to feel the soft brushes and choose from the dark shades of shadow and gloss after so many months. It felt even stranger to apply eye-liner, mascara and a touch of plum colour to her lips. It had been so long that she turned her head from side to side, trying to look at herself from all angles.

Yes it was still her, Leah Clearwater. She remembered this face, but it was just so strange to see herself look like a girl for once.

No, like a woman.

Leah slipped quietly into her bedroom, her stealthy actions a result of the wolf genes that were now second nature. She could hear the sounds of her mother and brother in the living room. Christmas music was playing and Sue was baking and cooking up a storm for tomorrow while Seth was playing a game on the tv. Some of their family would be coming to the Res to spend the holiday.

Leah pulled on her short black mini-dress with lace trim on the cleavage and hemline. She didn't want to think about the last time she'd worn it, or the last and only man who'd ever taken it off. She pushed in a huge, thin pair of hoop earrings and slid on her black and silver strappy heels, admiring how long her legs were in the mirror.

There was a knock at the window. Wary, she walked over and pulled the curtains, surprised to see her alpha standing there. Her body immediately tensed and she contemplated closing back the curtains and pretending that he wasn't out there, ready to ruin her night.

"Open the window Lee," he called through the pane. It wasn't a command but she found herself unable to disobey.

"What do you want? I'm off tonight, there's no way in hell I'm going out there." She'd just gotten dressed up for Christ's sake!

"It's not about that. I just…needed to see you Lee-Lee." Sam pulled himself up onto the ledge, one foot in and one foot out.

"Don't call me that," Leah spat, her tone haughty and resentful.

"You look nice," Sam said with some surprise as his eyes swept the full length of her body (while ignoring her tone, one he'd unfortunately gotten used to). He brought both legs over and stepped into her room hesitantly, fully aware that she could toss him right back out.

Leah's immediate reaction was a warm tingle that followed the trail his gaze made. She clamped it down, refusing to let him sense that he aroused her still, even after all he'd done to ruin them.

"So? Emily's not the only woman in this pack you know? I get to look nice – like a female human being - when I'm not being forced to run around with oversized idiots."

"That's not what I meant, why are you bringing her into this?" he growled, thrusting his fingers through his cropped hair.

"Because, she's _in_ this, between us, and I'm sure she wouldn't want you right where you are at this exact moment."

"I can talk to you Lee, there's no law or person that can stop me." Sam retorted, reinforcing that he was the leader, that he was in charge of his own person.

But they both knew that was a lie.

"What do you want Sam?" She huffed, crossing her arms under her breasts. Her hands had started to shake and the last thing she needed to do was to phase and ruin her return to womanhood – at least on the outside.

"I can't stop thinking about you…about us."

"Oh really?" Leah snorted disbelievingly. What game was he playing? "I'm _not_ cancelling my date, so just forget whatever _this_ is," she warned. How could he be so insensitive?

"I'm serious Lee. This has nothing to do with your date. It's Christmas Eve, it's our favorite time of the year…and our first year apart. Can you honestly say this doesn't bother you?"

If she were naïve Leah would have sworn there were tears in his eyes.

She shivered. She hadn't expected this from him at all. She honestly believed that Sam never thought about her at all. "Don't you think I torture myself enough watching you and Emily play happy couple every day? I am NOT going to think about that Sam. I-I can't." She hated that her voice broke at the end, that her shoulders drooped under the weight of the grief she carried every second of every day.

"But don't you remember that year when Seth ate-"

"-all the gingerbread men before morning?"

"-and your Mom thought there was a mouse in the house?"

They both chuckled and shook their heads. Leah looked down at her toes and scuffed the bottom of her shoe. She tried so hard NOT to remember but it was too easy.

"Remember last year when your father couldn't get the tree to fit through the front door and we had to trim it on the porch?"

"And the whole thing was frozen solid by Christmas morning, tinsel and all."

She remembered. And Leah missed her father more than anything, more than she even missed Sam being here right now, here with her and her family, where he belonged.

"I'm sorry Leah…" now it was his turn to break, to drop the façade of smiles. Sam quickly wiped his eyes and gasped for breath. "I never wanted any of this to happen. I never wanted Harry to die or to- to –imprint on Emily."

"Sam please don't-"

"I never wanted to leave you Lee! I never wanted that to be our last Christmas. I never wanted to walk away."

"Sam stop! Don't say it!" Leah choked on the tears that now burned her throat and eyes. How dare he? How DARE he come HERE and say these things? Just when she was finally feeling like herself?

"No I have to, I _have_ to say it because you will _never_ forgive me! You will _never_ stop hating me or hating Emily! You will _never_ stop blaming us for everything that has happened! But we didn't ask for this Leah, I _swear_ we didn't! We were totally blindsided, just like you!"

"You are happy with her Sam, don't pretend that you aren't!" Leah growled, indignant; pissed that he could actually try to insinuate that he and her cousin weren't living in total bliss.

"I have no choice but to BE! It's the _wolf_ Leah! It's the _fucking_ wolf! Don't you see that? _I_ am not the one who made this decision." Sam beat his chest defiantly.

"Oh, so you're a victim are you?" Leah scoffed. She couldn't believe his nerve!

"Call it whatever you want. I came here because I want you to understand Lee, please. Just for _one_ second, for _one_ night _please_ put aside your anger and try to understand that I didn't _willingly_ leave. On _our_ night Leah, please, please forgive me. I love you, I miss you so much. I hate that I hurt you every day. I HATE myself. I hate that I had no choice." His hands trembled as the alpha stood before her.

Raw, broken, bare.

The heat between the two of them could set the whole house on fire.

A moment passed. Two, three, ten.

Calmer, Sam stepped closer and cupped her face in his warm hands. Leah closed her eyes as his calloused thumbs swiped the tears from her cheeks. The action was so tender, so like HER Sam that all she could do to maintain the slightest shred of dignity was push him away.

"Merry Christmas Sam," she whispered, refusing to look him in the eye.

"What? Is that all you're going to say to me? Merry Christmas?"

"No, I'm going to ask you to go, _please."_

Sam growled in frustration, his mouth falling open to retort. But he knew it was pointless, he knew she'd never give him what he needed.

For him there was no absolution.

Without another word Sam leapt back out of the window, disappearing into the cold night.

She didn't want to be cruel. But Leah just couldn't bear to see the truth in his eyes.

It was easier to believe that he wasn't in pain, that he wasn't feeling guilty about what had happened. It was simply easier to be angry with him for everything rather than forgive.

Maybe one day he'd understand.

Maybe one day they'd all understand that this was how she survived.

"Leah! Marcus is here!" Sue shouted excitedly from the living room.

Leah took a deep breath and fixed herself in the mirror. Her hair was good, her mascara still intact. Her dress was perfect.

She smiled at the woman looking back at her, the woman who was ready to go on a date.

" _Coming!"_


End file.
